Monday, February 17, 2014

Danny Trejo, WHY, man? Just...WHY?!?!

Have you ever seen the movie Feast? You know, the one connected with Project Greenlight. The movie that slammed a title into the screen when introducing a new character, just so you knew what generic role that person represented. The movie that took your expectations and snapped them like Bane snapped Batman's back. The movie full of nasty, gooey, gross blood/guts/brains/etc. splattered on almost every inch of the set.

You remember that movie? If you do, you have no business watching Zombie Hunter because this movie spends the bulk of its running time copying Feast and lifting scenes/dialogue from better movies in what I can only assume are ironic/hip/knowing nods to every film the writer/director has ever seen. Before you ask, Quentin Tarentino did NOT write/direct this movie, but someone who wants to be like him apparently did.

Sure, there will be those who will say that the person responsible for Zombie Hunter is poking fun at such wannabe filmmakers. Yeah, and Desperately Seeking Susan was laughed out of theaters, so suddenly it became a comedy to cover the fact it was a bomb.

The basic story is the same one we have seen a dozen times. Mostly nameless guy with a dark past is the ultimate killer of zombies (actually, just victims of a designer drug that had nasty side effects but still spread like vines of cute kittens on the Internet). He narrates the movie in a hard-boiled style that even Mickey Spillane would be put off by. Huge portions of the first third of the film look like they were cloned and pasted from Mad Max and The Road Warrior. Then our "hero" gets shot and is taken in by a ragtag group of survivors. Yup, never seen this before.

The group is made up of characters we've all know from other zombie movies: obnoxious fat guy, skank girl, sweet girl, sweet girl's reason for living (her brain-dead brother), all-around jack-of-all-trades guy and the group's leader who has a shadowy past, somewhat like our "hero". Your mileage may very, but within minutes of each character being introduced, I wanted all of them to die, with one exception.

Danny Trejo plays the leader of the group. He is supposedly a priest, but he has two of the most awesome scenes this movie could put together. Just Trejo, an axe and dubstep background music as he hacks his way through zombies in a hellish landscape. I could have watched 90 minutes of that. Don't get used to it, though. I almost think Mr. Trejo had a couple of days where he wasn't working on better films and decided to help out.

Anyway, the group decides to make a run for an Air Force base, but they have to go through a town called...wait for it!...Dahmer. That sly humor that is like blunt force trauma to the face. Give me more. (Please note that this comment is meant to be sarcasm. I don't want to confuse people who think this kind of film is funny and hip.)

I will spare you the rest of the story. You can probably write it yourself. If you can't, give a small child the set-up I gave you and they will probably tell you how it ends. Honestly, the child might come up with a better story.

When not being slapped with the annoying characters (the skank girl is the single most irritating member and that is no simple feat in this movie) and blindingly obvious lack-of-budget locations, the filmmaker decides to offer up CGI work that makes films from The Asylum look like Lord Of The Rings. If the CGI had been used with any level of subtlety, I might have overlooked it. Subtle is not in this film's bible. Fake looking gunshots and inept monsters are constantly obscured by digital blood splashing on the camera lens.

I get tired just thinking about this movie.

Danny Trejo, sir, I have to ask you why? Why did you do this movie? Did someone blackmail you? Did the director save you from a burning building and you felt the need to pay him back? Did you need money for Christmas?

Before I end, I must respect my mother's teachings. She always said, "Find something nice to say about everything." Okay, Mom. 

The film always stayed in focus. Mostly.

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