Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Welcome to Hell, y'all!

As I started watching the film up for review this time around, I heard ringing in my ears Lee Marvin's immortal quote from the film Paint Your Wagon: "Welcome to Hell, preacher!" Seeing as I am an ordained minister, it seemed even more fitting. Is it possible Lee Marvin saw this film in a vision? It would explain his heartfelt gusto in delivering that line.

Come and join me in the lowest region of Hell. Here, people have their limbs removed so they cannot leave. Their heads are nailed to the walls so they must face the images projected before them. Their eyelids have been removed so they may not close their eyes. What horror are they subjected to that could cause such suffering that the mind shatters? They are forced to watch Bill Rebane's Twister's Revenge throughout all eternity.

Bill Rebane is most famous for The Giant Spider Invasion. Having seen that movie many times, I can assure you that it is the high point of his career. Once you've seen any of his other films, you will freeze like a wild deer in a Mack truck's headlights when someone mentions the name of Bill Rebane. If someone suggests watching Twister's Revenge, you are dealing with either a total innocent or someone who has held a long-festering grudge against you. Run away as fast as you can.

On paper, this movie sounds like it might be...maybe...kinda watchable, given proper chemical alterations of your senses. Let's go with that for right now.

We are given the simple story of a cowboy who drives a monster truck for state fair exhibitions and such, his new bride who is a total computer geek and fairly easy on the eyes and their monster truck, know as Mr. Twister. Into this happy world comes three grease monkeys who decide to steal...something. It started as grand larceny by trying to steal a computer from a van, so it was a minor leap to full-blown felony kidnapping of the young bride.

This could be fodder for an interesting action film. Do keep in mind that this is a Bill Rebane film. Not only are the "heroes" of the film bland as distilled water, but the would-be criminals are denser than a slab of granite. All in the name of comedy, Wisconsin-style on a two dollar budget.

After nearly ten minutes of pointless Scooby Doo type car chases mixed with bad voice-overs that utterly fail at humor, the bride is kidnapped. Suddenly, the truck reveals he is the redneck cousin of K.I.T.T from Knightrider. So our suddenly single hero teams up with the monster truck to recover the fair damsel.

That's it. Really. Oh, wait, I forgot to add the horrible sound, utter lack of acting, the worst rear projection of ANY movie ever made, shoddy camera work, a cast of hundreds of extras who capture that pure hick quality because they ARE hicks, an absence of logic, action sequences more tedious than paint drying in an empty room...do I need to go on? Honestly, attempting to give you detailed examples of any of these problems would mean I spent more time explaining things to you than the entire crew spent on this film.

It isn't hard to see how Mill Creek Entertainment can sell their 50 movie packs so cheap when they have movies like Twister's Revenge on tap. I have little doubt that Mill Creek received a fat check from someone for including this fecal storm on their Drive-In Classics set. In case you have that set, it is the second movie on Side A of Disc One. If you are wise, you will never, ever watch that side of Disc One. I think even Bill Rebane would decline an offer to watch this film again.

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