Tuesday, January 14, 2014

A New Day, and A New Way

To celebrate my amazing brainchild, I promptly ordered a 250 movie set of mystery/suspense/action films. Heaven help me.

We are looking at the first disc, side A of the Drive-In Classics 50 movie set, just in case you want to keep up.

We start with The Devil With Seven Faces. No, Tony Randall is not in this movie, but there is an appearance by a very annoying Asian gentleman with a horribly dubbed over-blown Asian accent. Mickey Rooney would be proud.

Enter into a world hopelessly mired in awful 70's fashion. I could hardly pull my eyes away from the woman wearing the hideous patchwork quilt-like granny dress. Yes, we can truly be thankful for a change in decades. Oh and don't be fooled for a moment. Yes, those are Dutch locations running behind the credits, but take note that most of the crew's names end in enough vowels to make Vanna White turn pale.

We start with a rather uptight woman being stalked by a paparazzi, and then she seeks out the help of a rather distracted looking Stephen Boyd. Within minutes, Boyd and his overly-horny friend Tony, who happens to be a race driver (it is sure to figure in somehow), rescue her from thugs and proceed to become her guardian angels. Though I have to give the race car driver credit for being rather single-minded whereas Boyd is prepped to dip his wick in any honeypot that presents herself.

It seems our damsel in distress is one of a set of twin sisters. One is being stalked for her involvement in some shady jewel heist, and the other one is being harassed as well. One is in England while the other is in Amsterdam, yet the crafty bad guys can't seem to keep track of either one. According to a picture they show, one has dark hair and the other has light hair. How the bad guys can't figure who is whom makes about as much sense as anything else in this movie.

The characters run around and hop from one location to another with no real sense of purpose. And everywhere our heroine goes, someone dies. Why these two guys hang around a harbinger of death is beyond me. She isn't THAT good looking. Maybe that is mercenary of me, but I had to occupy my brain somehow to keep myself awake and distract me from the fact the heroine's hair changes length at random. And in one scene at the beach, Julie wears a huge blue wig that looks like someone sent part of a cosplay outfit back through time.

The highlight of the film is a car chase that almost looks like it should be in a Keystone Cops short, with overclocked film speeds and goofy action.

Then comes all the double-crossing you could see coming from the first 10 minutes. People die, people are tortured, and Stephen Boyd says he's rushing to the rescue and proceeds to sit at his desk while people come to nasty ends. I almost expected Christina Lindberg to show up and start wasting people. Alas, it didn't happen.

Ultimately, you walk away wondering how people this brainless and inept managed to pull off a heist to begin with.

Recommendation: Watch ONLY if you feel you have to see every movie Stephen Boyd ever made. Otherwise, just realize you don't need to know why the devil has seven faces.

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