Wednesday, July 01, 2009

It's Christmas In July, folks. And all I want for Christmas is...

Christmas is just too much fun to confine to December. And face it, do you really want to overdose on Christmas cheer when you have screaming relatives, pointless gifts and tons of heart-stopping food surrounding you? Watch The Littlest Angel one too many times around the 25th and you'll be retching up your toenails from the sugar overload.

So spread the Christmas fun around. Hence, Christmas In July. We take some time from the month of independence to taint our souls with holly and tinsel. And what better way to do that than to review the classic Two Front Teeth.

You've never heard of it? Well, children, gather around the fireplace, whip out your peppermint sticks and let me tell you the story of a very special Christmas Eve.

A little while ago, in a city probably not too far away, there was a fellow named Gabriel Snow. He was a committed reporter of all things corrupt about Christmas: Mrs. Claus doing naughty photo shoots, elves gone wild and a mysterious plane crash that may have Santa's claws all over it. And for his wife's Christmas present he was going to present divorce papers.

Apparently Gabe's goal of debunking all things Christmas had left his marriage a bit of a wreck. That would explain why his wife, Noel Snow, was at home trying to bang Kevin, the mall Santa. But things weren't going so well for Noel and Kevin. It seems there was a gnarled, angry, leather-clad, neck-biting elf stalking them.

Not that things were going swimmingly for Gabe. His boss was pumping him for the source of his story about the crash of Flight 1225, and, for a Christmas present, he gave Gabe a hand gun. Gabe, who has a dislike of Christmas and a debilitating fear of Santa, suspected something was amiss. There was. The boss's ear and his sense of reality were gone, but he demanded Gabe go home because Noel was very likely in deep danger.

Soon, my children, Gabe and Noel found themselves on a slay-ride littered with savage elves, red-nosed reindeer, assassin nuns and a vampire Santa. And their only hope was Gabe's source for the airplane crash story, a man named "Pete" who knows more than he is telling.

If this whole thing seems far-fetched, you'd be right. It is. Unless you find Christmas to be sacred, you should be in for one fairly fast, joke-filled, horror-lace tribute to Christmas. The writer, Jamie Nash, was strung together so many off-hand cracks connected to most people's favorite holiday that it truly bears repeat viewings. Sure, it's shot on video, but the upside is that this production actually took the time to make what they put in front of the camera look good enough that it doesn't distract you from the comedy of the story.

Funny things to take note of: The evil elves are almost all played by women, and if you search down photos of what they look like in real life, you may be stunned at how attractive they are. See how many headlines you can read when they show shots of the Xmas-Files tabloid Gabe writes for. Break out the spiked eggnog for a drinking game in which you attempt to drink when you find every Christmas reference (you'll be drunk enough that you may ignite the Yule log with your breath). And watch for the insane animated sequences.

Face it, Christmas for us adults can be more stress than fun. When the tykes are nestled in their beds with visions of mountains of goodies, pop this off-beat little gem into your DVD player and let those muscle spasms caused by relatives and maxed-out credit cards ease as you find there is more to Christmas than getting a beat-down by some old lady after the same item you are.

(See more Christmas weirdness at WTF-FILM this July!!)

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